Terror

I feel compelled to write something about the situation I find myself in here IRL, but I also am not really sure what to write.

I'm a Minnesotan. Born and raised.

I grew up playing broomball in -10F weather. I get eaten alive by mosquitoes in the summers. I sometimes shovel snow in my shorts.

I'm terrified.

I live out in the suburbs, so I'm not in the thick of it like many (many) of my friends. That doesn't mean I can't attest to what I've noticed in the past couple weeks:

• I have seen unfamiliar SUVs driving around my neighborhood, pulling into the driveways of my immigrant neighbors for a few minutes, then backing out and speeding away.
• I have gone to playgrounds, shopping centers, and other public spaces which are always filled with people of all skin colors, now almost entirely devoid of anyone with darker skin.
• I can't claim that downtown Minneapolis is always a bustling, vibrant area... but when I was there earlier this week, it was virtually a ghost town. Even in the skyways. It felt eerie, like how one feels when they visit a cemetery. An uncomfortable peace, like it could go away at any second.

These are all feelings, right? There's no hard data here, nothing quantifiable. And I obviously know what it feels like to be afraid... but the fear coursing through me these past few weeks is new.

I'm unable to fall asleep at night, and when I eventually do, I'm awakened by nightmares. My ears perk at every emergency vehicle siren. There is a continual stress that overrides every other thought, making it exponentially more difficult to stay present and calm.

The stress thought that rises most frequently: "why?!"

All of this is so stupid.

Part of the fear is that I have no idea how I can help. I can't stop the larger macro forces that have combined to bring us to this present situation.

I guess all I can do is keep pushing forward. Help where I can. Donate to food shelves and blood banks. Stay positive and hopeful for better days. Generally be there for my neighbors and friends who are also consumed by terror.

But yeah, we're not alright here. It sucks.