Why Americans Suddenly Stopped Hanging Out


đź”— a linked post to theatlantic.com » — originally shared here on

We come into this world craving the presence of others. But a few modern trends—a sprawling built environment, the decline of church, social mobility that moves people away from friends and family—spread us out as adults in a way that invites disconnection. Meanwhile, as an evolutionary hangover from a more dangerous world, we are exquisitely engineered to pay attention to spectacle and catastrophe. But screens have replaced a chunk of our physical-world experience with a digital simulacrum that has enough spectacle and catastrophe to capture hours of our greedy attention. These devices so absorb us that it’s very difficult to engage with them and be present with other people.

The sum result of these trends is that we are both pushed and pulled toward a level of aloneness for which we are dysevolved and emotionally unprepared. Sartre said hell is other people. Perhaps. But the alternative is worse.

Ironically, this article was shared to me by one of the few people I see IRL nearly every week.

Paul, Micah, Nick, and I get together every Monday night and make music. It’s often the highlight of my week.

We get dinner beforehand and talk about the day to day goings on of our lives. Then, we retreat to Paul’s multi-million dollar recording studio 1 and just noodle around.

We don’t have a set agenda, no prescribed musical style. One of us just starts playing something, and the rest of us join in.

No matter how depressed, anxious, or frustrated I feel walking into Paul’s house, I never leave with those feelings. Getting to spend time with three smart, talented, and caring dudes always leaves me with a filled bucket.2

Find an activity that brings you joy and go do it with other people. And if you don’t know where to find those people, just ask someone. That’s what Paul did, and thanks to him, I’ve now got two new friends and a weekly outlet for building my guitar skills and expressing some creativity.3

  1. It may look like a laundry room to you, but between the gear, the artwork, the lighting, and Micah or myself inevitably smacking our guitars on the overhead duct work, it’s just as inspirational as any “real” recording studio has felt to me.  ↩

  2. You know what drains my bucket? Non-stop Zoom meetings. Reddit during an election year. Hell, Reddit in general. YouTube’s algorithm surfacing any sort of hot take on a modern news event. Just, kinda, being on the open internet in general.  ↩

  3. I should write a longer post about this, but it is terrifying to play an instrument within a band. I often find myself just sticking to the chords because I don’t wanna screw up everyone else. But the more I watch better guitar players like Paul and Nick and Micah do their thing, the more confident I get and the more I find myself actually practicing on my own. One of these days, maybe I’ll get enough courage to try shredding in front of others. ↩

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