stuff tagged with "boundaries"
Boundaries are what we tell someone we will do, and they require the other person to do nothing.
How childhood wiring impacts adult life, in 90 minutes | Becky Kennedy: Full Interview
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Been a minute since I've shared some Dr. Becky content, but I've watched this whole 90 minute video twice through now, and I highly recommend you take time to throw this on during your next extended car commute.
Her definition of a boundary, specifically, is game changing:
Boundaries are what we tell someone we will do, and they require the other person to do nothing.
To illustrate this point, she talks about her son getting in an elevator and pressing all the buttons.
In the first example, she says to her son before getting in the elevator, "Don't press all the elevator buttons! It's annoying and disrespectful to other people."
Her son then goes ahead and presses them all anyway.
She points out that saying "my kid doesn't respect my boundaries" here is actually wrong, because she never set a boundary. She made a request.
In the second example, she says, "When we get in the elevator, I'm going to stand between you and the buttons. And even if you lunge for them, I will stop you." Then she'd actually physically be ready to block him.
That's a real boundary: she's telling him what she will do, and it doesn't require him to do anything.
I know that I say stuff like "we don't press buttons" a lot, but saying "we don't do X" actually gives away your authority. The stronger language is "I'm not going to let you do that."
When you make requests and call them boundaries, you're handing your power to someone else. A true boundary gives you back your power and ultimately protects the connection, because you're not ending up frustrated and yelling.
Don’t try to fix people. Just set boundaries.
