I often forget my anxiety isn’t caused by a lack of answers to my swirl of questions, but the swirl itself. I frequently operate as if one more Google search will solve everything, circling around and around the internet, mercifully sedated by information I probably don’t need and will forget next week. Sometimes, I really do find the answer I’m looking for, and then I’ll stop, smug and satisfied. The problem with feeding the beast is it’s not the same as killing it. Soon enough, I’m hungry again.

In addition to being a great resource on how to feel like you've got enough, this article taught me a new term:

In Lauren Oyler’s essay about anxiety last week, she referenced a late 19th century diagnosis known as Americanitis, which described “the high-strung, nervous, active temperament of the American people.” Whether incited by advances in technology (causing loss of sleep, excessive worry) or capitalism (causing long work days, fast pace of life), the result was, according to experts of the time, a rattled population unable to relax. A black mirror of the American dream, Americanitis took the same ideas favored by patriots and recast them as depressing. Here is the land of possibilities—so vast in scale you’ll forever be unsatisfied!

Are we all suffering from Americanitis?

Originally adapted from Ron Miller's Advanced Improv Practice Guide, and discovered at the bottom of jyn's incredible blog post titled "i'm just having fun", which is a must-read.

Before starting your daily practice routine, read and seriously consider the following:

A. DAILY AFFIRMATIONS

1. How fortunate I am that in this life I am one who has been allowed to create beauty with computer.
2. It is my responsibility to create peace, beauty, and love with computer.

B. I WILL BE KIND TO MYSELF

1. IT IS ONLY COMPUTER
2. No matter my level of development in computer, how good or bad I think I am, it is only computer and I am a beautiful person.
3. I will not compare myself with my colleagues. If they do computer beautifully, I will enjoy it and be thankful and proud that I live in fellowship with them.
4. There will always be someone with more abilities in computer than my own as there will be those with less.

C. REASONS TO DO COMPUTER

1. To contribute to the world's spiritual growth.
2. To contribute to my own self-discovery and spiritual growth.
3. To pay homage to all the great practitioners of computer, past and present, who have added beauty to the world.

D. RID YOUR SELF OF THE FOLLOWING REASONS FOR BEING A PRACTITIONER OF COMPUTER

1. To create self-esteem
2. To be "hip"
3. To manipulate
4. To get rich or famous

When I returned home from this morning’s run, Jilly asked how far I ran.

“I’m not quite sure,” I told her. “I ran through the woods for about an hour and fifteen minutes, so that’s maybe six or seven miles, but I don’t know for sure.”

She didn’t quite understand why I would run if I wasn’t paying attention to how far I ran.

I think all of this boils down to the phase of life I’m currently in. I’m getting older and I’m okay with that. I’m not chasing paces anymore. I’m not chasing mileage volume. I’m not putting pressure on myself to progress at all costs. I don’t get upset if life gets busy and I don’t have time for my daily run. There are no ultramarathons on my docket.

Things are different now.

These days I’m chasing experiences – I want a unique one with each outing, and that’s only possible if I am fully present during each outing. These days I’m chasing future experiences and a level of fitness that will keep me on this planet for a bit longer so someday in the not-too-distant future I can be active with my grandkids.

That’s a different kind of ultra, but it’s the one I’m training for these days.

Bingo. This is me, in every area of my life lately.

This morning, I went for a walk immediately after finishing my burpees. I had my Apple Watch on, and it buzzed, letting me know that there’s been a change in my health activity.

I honest-to-god snort laughed, then immediately took my watch off and moved on with my walk.¹ Of course there’s been a change, I didn’t need my watch to tell me that.

Being present is super hard, especially with the internet doing everything it can to draw me towards it. But thanks to myself skipping the internet today, I got the third corner of my garage cleaned! Only one more to go before I can really start making this area dope as hell.²

Another related observation: an interesting side effect of my desire to collect new music means that each new album has the potential to serve as the background track to this current moment in life.

There are many albums which point me to general moments in my life, not so much specific memories.

If I want to remember what it felt like to drive home from a midnight truck at Best Buy, I pop on The Presets’ Apocalypto.

If I want to remember what it felt like in the early days of dating Shanny, I’ll listen to Ombarrops by The Car is On Fire.

It’s kind of cool to see the intersection and synergy of my two collections.

bro straight up, but tenderly: if the only thing you use your apple watch for is to find your apple phone than it is time to lose your apple watch. OK DONE. drop kicked into the sea / reset and quietly handed to a family member. no looking back, no tears. the future starts today. what else.

I haven’t worn my Apple Watch for three days now, which is the longest period of time I’ve been without something on my wrist since I got a Fitbit a decade and a half or so ago.

What I miss, in no particular order:

• Ability to find my phone
• Apple Pay without having to pull out my phone

What I don’t miss, in no particular order:

• Feeling pressured to get up and move around
• A general anxiousness whenever my wrist budges
• The feeling of an encumbered wrist

I felt like I should end this link with something, but instead I went back and read the rest of this article, which excellently ends with:

Can’t figure out what else to say to wrap this up, but I suppose resisting the need to wrap up every blog post with a CTA is its own form of protest

It’s easy to let ourselves get overwhelmed by the demands of our everyday lives or sometimes to become a bit obsessed with big, existential questions. But what both extremes can do is rob us of the opportunity to be present. Meaningfully present.

It’s so remarkable, and so improbable, that we’re all here together. We should probably focus on enjoying that.

Got a lot of good quotes from this one, including Kmele Foster (who hosted it) and artists Godfrey Reggio, Steve Albini, and Fred Armisen.

As everyone was celebrating and feeling good, I was barely functional. Truthfully, I had never felt closer to death in my life. I’ve done hard workouts before. I know what it’s like to push myself. I’ve been running for over a decade. But what I experienced after crossing that finish line was something else entirely.

And for what? To have a 07:25 pace instead of a 07:30 pace? Remove my two sprints from the race and I come in maybe 30 seconds later. What difference would it have made in my life? None. I don’t win some extra prize by coming in at 25:57 instead of 26:27. 

So why did I do it? Yes, I wanted to push myself. Yes, I wanted to beat my goal. But, ultimately, I did it because I was selfish.

I love a good running analogy.

I heard Derek Sivers make a similar point with biking a few years back. Pacing is an important aspect to a well-lived life.

I also enjoyed this Josh Brown quote he included in this article:

Make yourself useful to smart, successful people. That’s how you should spend the first ten years of your career.

Surround yourself with smart, successful people and then bet on them. That’s how you should spend the next ten years.

The YouTube algorithm got me again with this video.

I’m sharing it here because I found it helpful to frame my situation as an experience worth experiencing, and nothing more. Not to judge it, not to try and shape it, but simply to be.

Seems lofty and pretentious, perhaps, but it’s helpful as I am trying to figure out what my next move is.

I should just let things be. I can’t control whether someone will pay me to build a thing for them. All I can do is put myself out there and see what the universe brings.

So far, the universe has delivered a ton of rekindled friendships and potential new gigs.

I think it is also insisting that I stop cramming so much into a day and start spending more time with myself.

So, rather than living in ‘the never-ending then’, you have to learn to avert your focus elsewhere. You have to enjoy the present a bit more and stop trying to plan your idealized path through life. You won’t get that path either way. Something always comes up and sends you on a detour.

Accepting this is hard and something I still struggle with regularly. However, once you do, you will realize that the ideal life is not one that exists solely in the past, present, or future, but one that moves seamlessly between the three. If you can appreciate the past, live in the present, and plan for the future, then what more can you ask for?

Today, I went with my wife and kids up to the recently remodeled playground at my daughter’s school.

Right before we left, my son started playing a game he was making up on the spot.

I got so into it. It was totally engrossing, and my attention was solely on being in character, climbing across obstacles, having fun.

Financial wealth is surely important, but true wealth is being able to shut off the monkey brain for as long as possible.

The reason why a still lake is the archetype for a still mind is because it flows without any intention. The currents softly rise without breaking, and in the instances where it does, it happens without aggression. There’s nothing it’s trying to do; it’s simply going where it needs to go.

But drop a stone into the lake, and the ripples flow out in a way that goes against the state of nature. Even a harsh gust of wind won’t create ripples in the way that a small stone does. That’s what it means to desire more than what you have; to become somebody or to further your place in a community. Your presence may be known, but it may do so at the expense of the stillness around you.

Rest is to take those moments to understand that you’re not defined by what you produce, and to be okay with whatever you are. It’s to allow that emptiness of mind to prolong whenever you see something beautiful, and to understand that this is not an anomaly, but a glimpse into the reality of what truly is.

While travel does expand and stretch the horizons of what we know about the world, it is not the answer we’re looking for in times of unrest. To strengthen the health of the mind, the venue to do that in is the one we are in now.

It is location-independent, and always will be.

The key is not to discard The Box of Daily Experience and find a new one — it’s to warmly embrace the one that we have now — with its joys, its flaws, and everything in between.

I’ve definitely fallen prey to the use of vacation as a substitute for facing my own problems.

This article (complete with cute illustrations) serves as a great reminder that value can be derived from the monotony of our daily lives.