• I feel like I am still trying to figure out who I am. I feel like I can get along with anybody, but in order to do so, I have to contort myself into the shape I think is most acceptable to the other person. There aren't very many places where I feel like I don't need to contort. The internet promises to be that place, but now that the internet effectively has an infinite memory, I feel like any minor mistake I make will haunt me forever, which has a depressingly chilling effect on me.

• My brand for the past few years was "neurotic, scared nerd." My brand going forward is "kind, confident, and fair nerd."

• I wore my Windows 95 ugly sweater through the skyway and six different people told me how much they loved it. I think a big part of my purpose in life is to find ways to spread joy, even if it's by doing something as dumb as wearing the most bad ass Christmas sweater ever.

• I got my son to try eating pizza. This is huge; he does not like pizza and refuses to even try. This is completely my fault, I've been horrible at encouraging my kids to be brave and adventurous with trying new foods. I, admittedly, am not exactly adventurous in that department either. My son told me he needed strength to be brave to try it, so I helped him bring all of his stuffed animals and cars downstairs into the kitchen, and we blased Sara Bareilles's Brave over the HomePod. And guess what? He put a piece of pizza in his mouth and kept it in there for a few seconds! Later that night, to much less fanfare, I bravely tried an Airhead. I didn't like it, but I tried it. It's cool to face scary situations together, even if that fear comes in various forms of high fructose corn syrup.

• I have this idea to build a mini website which functions as my music library. I have a very specific vibe for a design (bad ass 70s-looking lounge area but with 2025 technology). There would be this record table console with records mounted on the wall such that you could see their faces¹, and flanked on either side are the spines of records with the names of the albums on there. Clicking on a record would put it in the record player (maybe having it display some streaming widget dingus in view) along with why I like this record (interesting stories I learned about the production of the record, meaningful memories associated with it, vibes I get from it, recommended similar albums, etm.)

• There's a fun AI project that I'm working on right now, but I am finding it so difficult to drum up the motivation to work on it. You know why? Because getting computers to do anything useful is so, so, so painful.

• I watched this video called Why creating is crucial to human existence and it highlights the fact that what we do everyday is who we are. So in that spirit, I started a 100 day sit up challenge this month, because I wanna be the kind of guy who does stuff like that. I'm only a month into this challenge and I'm already able to knock out 100 sit ups without stopping in a little under 3 minutes.

• The formula for discipline is (1) Create rules and standards for yourself; (2) Never break these promises to yourself; (3) Keep these promises at all costs (so start small!); (4) Build up slowly to a disciplined lifestyle; (5) Be on guard for at least a year.

• For years now, I've had this recurring nightmare where I am being ushered out on stage in front of a huge crowd for a theatrical performance. I do not know the lines or the blocking or the choreography, and I feel this massive wave of embarassment and shame. This past month, I went to see a musical at my wife’s school, and I was unexpectedly asked to go on stage as a character. I had exactly zero idea what the show was, nor did I know the lines or blocking or choreography.² Sometimes, life literally presents an opportunity to directly face your nightmares head on, and that rules.³

• Direct passage from my journal from a year ago: "It's hard to write publicly about the things I am suffering with because it always seems like I look back on it in a couple of years and realize how silly it was to be stressed out about it."

• I tend to avoid the trance style of EDM. It amplifies my anxiety because of how logical it is; I find myself hyperfocused on the technical aspects of the music, completely ignoring how it makes me feel.

• The first big snowfall of the year rules when you have kids. The road coming back from the small sledding hill in our neighborhood was still covered in ice and snow, so I put the kids in their sleds and pulled them behind me. It was hard. My heart was pounding. My legs kept slipping on the slick road. But it was easy to continue, because I kept thinking: "why do you work out, if not for this?"

• Running is more meaningful to me lately. I've been using it more as a meditative period in my day, a moment to disconnect from technology and notice as much as I can in my neighborhood.⁴ Ten years ago, I would've been mortified if I didn't push my hardest every single time. Now, I will often stop in the middle of a run and stare at the fog traveling across the pond, or watch the color of the sky subtly change as the sun comes up.

• “Finns det hjärterum, så finns det stjärterum” is Swedish for "If there’s heart room, there’s butt room."

• I love learning new slang. This month, I learned two new phrases: sksksksk and ijbol.

• Christmas Eve felt particularly bittersweet for me this year. It feels like my parents are getting closer to downsizing their home, so I tried my hardest to soak up the ambiance. And when you're in a "soak up this moment" mindset, it seems like there's never enough time to do it.

• "It's time to stop researching and start living."

• Before the sermon on Christmas Eve, my pastor said his words don't matter. What matters is what you hear. Sometimes, the thing you take away from a story is not what the artist intended, but that is okay.

• The most nutritional part of a potato is its peel. Apple peels are also nutritionally important. Nothing of note is lost in a carrot peel.

Movies I watched:

Knocked Up (2007)

• Glad I watched it? Yeah. I got 30% of the way through it and decided “I’m good here.” It's okay for your tastes to change as you do.
• Will I watch it again? Nah.

Enough Said (2013)

• Glad I watched it? Yeah. I heard Julia Louis-Dreyfus say on a podcast that she loved working with James Gandolfini, and it was cute to watch them interact on the big screen.
• Will I watch it again? Nah. I didn't even finish it.

Yes Man (2008)

• Glad I watched it? Yeah. I remember watching it in college and thinking it was a nice sentiment. It definitely hits harder at 37.
• Will I watch it again? Nah. Wait, am I supposed to say "yes"?

That Christmas (2024)

• Glad I watched it? Yeah. It was a cute movie, the kids loved it. It's nice to see some traditional ideas playing out in our modern time.
• Will I watch it again? Yeah, I'd watch this again next year.

Mallrats (1995)

• Glad I watched it? Meh. It was cool to see Eden Prairie Center in the 90s, but if I'm being honest, I've never "got" most of Kevin Smith's movies. I thought maybe I would now that I'm in my late 30s, but I think it's that I'm not a Gen-Xer.
• Will I watch it again? Nah.

Youth in Revolt (2009)

• Glad I watched it? Yeah. I'm a little embarassed to admit that I identify with Michael Cera in most of the movies that he is in. I like how he created a character to embody when he wants to feel confident.
• Will I watch it again? Nah.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964)

• Glad I watched it? Yeah. I don't think I've ever watched the whole thing from start to end.
• Will I watch it again? Begrudgingly, I'm sure I will. This wasn't my favorite claymation Christmas movie.

Dear Santa (2024)

• Glad I watched it? Yeah, this movie ruled. The kid actors were quite talented, and obviously Jack Black killed it.
• Will I watch it again? Absolutely.

Arthur Christmas (2011)

• Glad I watched it? Yeah. I snuggled and watched it with my kid on Christmas Day. It's an adorable Christmas movie.
• Will I watch it again? Absolutely.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989)

• Glad I watched it? Yeah. I forget how much slapstick is in that movie.
• Will I watch it again? Probably? I feel like that movie is slightly before my time, and because it wasn't on repeat at my house growing up, I don't have the same nostalgic feelings I get from other Christmas movies like Home Alone or Muppet Christmas Carol.

Home Alone (1990)

• Glad I watched it? Obviously.
• Will I watch it again? Obviously.

The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)

• Glad I watched it? Yes. It made me want to watch Muppet Treasure Island again, too.
• Will I watch it again? Obviously.

The American ski racer Alice Merryweather sat out the 2020-21 season while confronting an eating disorder. She had gone to a training camp in September, hating the workouts and the time on the mountain, wondering where her love of skiing had gone. A doctor diagnosed her anorexia.

“I just kept pushing and I kept telling myself, ‘You’re supposed to love this, what’s wrong with you?’” Merryweather said. “I’m just trying to be the best athlete that I can be.”

Merryweather said that she began to open up to friends and teammates. Most knew someone else who had gone through a similar experience. “I realized, why do we not talk about this more?” Merryweather said. “I am not alone in this.”

The more I deal with my own pressure and anxieties, I wonder this same question myself.

Why don't we talk about this more?

Why is stoicism the preferred method for dealing with mental health struggles?

Why do we pretend that the things we want at the end of the day are different from most any other human?

And when will we learn that the only truly sustainable way to really get the things that you want (and the things that truly matter) is through cooperation?

Friends came for dinner. A public-interest lawyer, noticing I was bigger, asked what I’d been up to.

“I'm really into lifting weights right now,” I said. “Trying to get strong.”

The lawyer’s wife, a marathoner and family therapist, appeared startled, as if concerned about my emotional state. She looked me in the eye and said, “Why?”

I’ve been trying to motivate myself to join a gym lately. My goal is to get a six pack. I’m aware that this is typically accomplished through diet, but lifting weights would make me look well rounded, not malnourished.

This article spoke to me as someone who has identified as a marathoner for the past 10 years (and continues to do so). While I may secretly want to look like a professional wrestler, I also don’t need to gain 50 pounds of muscle.

Just like basically everything else in life, there is a spectrum between cardiovascularly fit yet scrawny, and strong beyond belief yet can’t run around the block.

I spent the past year telling myself I’d make changes. I told myself that I’d rather be in a much larger body and competing healthy, than in a smaller body and be broken standing on the sidelines. That “looking the part” of an athlete doesn’t mean shit if you are too injured to even get to the start line. I knew these things. And at times, I thought I was succeeding in changing things.

But with the fourth stress fracture two weeks before Barkley this year, I hit bottom. With sport taken from me, I looked around at all the things that had propped up my “management” of the eating disorder, and realized my disorder was all I had left.

I’ve been fortunate enough to never have to deal with something like anorexia or bulimia, but I find myself constantly struggling with my body image and eating habits.

I know logically that people don’t look at me and judge me as fat or pudgy... in fact, I would venture to guess most people don’t give my appearance a second thought.

But as someone who deals with me and my body every single day, it is hard to sometimes silence that voice in your head who tells you that you have to eat those 8 cookies, and then turns around and tells you that you’re getting fat again.

Anyway, I’ve looked up to Amelia Boone ever since I heard her on the Tim Ferris Show, and we were lucky enough to have her on C Tolle Run as well. Her performances speak for themselves, but the vulnerability she displays in this post makes me respect her even more.

If you’re struggling with an eating problem, talk about it with someone.

I'm 25 pounds heavier than I was this time last year.

I could blame it on a ton of things, including a lack of motivation to run after the ultramarathon, my knee surgery in June, and work-related stress.

Instead of playing the blame game though, I've decided I'm gonna do something about it.

After reading The 4 Hour Body earlier this year, I took a few big points away that I've been adopting in my life. One of those points is to find small changes you can make to your life that will yield big gains.

I think those of you who know me would say that one of my biggest vices in life are sweets. I'll easily pound a quart of ice cream in a single sitting if I can. At weddings, I'll grab two edge pieces (and hopefully, one of those is a corner piece). My wife's freshly-baked batch of three dozen cookies will not last a full week.

Another trait I know about myself is that I need to set audacious goals for myself, if for no other reason than to prove that I can do it.

With those points in mind, I've decided that November 2018 is going to be "No Sweets November" for me.

What are the rules, you ask? Here goes:

• Sweets includes any food product with a ton of artificial sugar. For me, this would include ice cream, cookies, brownies, cake, candy, muffins, breath mints, and donuts.
• Naturally-occurring sweets will not be eliminated, so I can still do things like apples and grapes.
• From midnight on November 1st until 11:59pm on November 30th, I will not consume any sweet.

Some will say that this month is probably the worst month for doing this. After all, my birthday is on the last day of this challenge, not to mention Thanksgiving and two weddings.

I would argue that those reasons alone make it the perfect month to abstain from sweets. After all, the point of this self-imposed restriction is to lose weight. I'll be much happier with myself if I can end the month 3 pounds lighter than if I were the same weight and ate sweets all month.

I'm already off to a good start. While going for a walk this morning, I found a full sized, unopened bag of M&Ms laying on the sidewalk. I picked it up and thought about tearing right into it, but after remembering the challenge, I handed it to my friend instead.

See you in December!

I always thought weight loss was hard because I’d witnessed people throw themselves at it hardcore and then fail just as hard. In contrast, I chose an easy, long-term, data-driven plan and stuck with it. Small changes over a long time make a big difference.

Chad Austin used The Hacker's Diet, which says if you eat 500 calories a day less than you burn, you'll lose one pound a week. Aggregate that over a few months and it seems like doing this diet is a real no-brainer.